Dino Bones

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

A few days ago we visited the Museum of Natural History in Ann Arbor. I had an intense urge to look at dino bones. You don't get to see real dino bones tho, just casts of dino bones. The museum smelled like your average older library and bone casting material. It was very cozy. After we toured the four floors we went and had some deep dish pizza served by a real U of M student.

I'm supposed to be packing to get back to LA. My timing is good since the heat wave is headed straight for Mich. It's going to be almost a hundred here tomorrow and combined with Great Lakes humidity that will feel like one hundred million degrees.

I'm going to miss talking about the weather. It's the midwesterner's favorite topic of conversation. People out west rarely talk about it. There isn't much to say. Well, until now. This trip has inspired me to start a separate blog, called 80andsunny. This blog will document the weather in Los Angeles everyday for a full year. It will be a true writing challenge since the weather is the same everyday. How many ways can someone describe a sunny day? Just you wait.

Sleeping Bear, Restless Tourist

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It's just splendid to be back around the Great Lakes even if everything, everywhere is damp. My forearms are sticking to the table I'm writing on as a matter of fact.

P and I took an official Great Lakes Circle Tour around Lake Michigan (with a detour up to Pictured Rocks - deets later). There seemed to be some confusion when I would talk to other people about this because they would ask, "What parts did you see?" and "Did you go on the Wisconsin side?"

I would have to explain that a driving circle tour follows the same principals of geometric circumference. Meaning, "all the way around." Much like geometry's precious circle, the driving tour circles, encases, completes, meets back up, covers the complete surrounding area... You get the idea.

So we saw all of that damn great lake, starting in Chicago and driving up through Wisconsin and around to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (which still has a strong back country militia secede-y air about it) and down through the Mackinaw Bridge and into the lower part of Michigan and then back into a traffic jam 10 miles outside of Chicago.

Lake Michigan is the pretty boy of the five lakes. It is the perfect color of blue for the stripes in fudge shop awnings. It has occasional non-threatening whip-cream-peak waves and gentle winds that encourage recreational sailing without disrupting hair-dos or sailor fashion. The westward wind builds up impressive dunes and makes the Michigan side more romantic and expensive. It is a good lake to start with if you have a lifelong goal of driving all around the great lakes. If you started with Erie or Huron you might get the idea that this is still an industrial world or that Canada is friendly.

I could go on about the fantastic five but I have to leave to attend a (damp and most likely buggy) BBQ so until I can get back to business I leave you with a list.

A few things about the Great Lakes states; pop, fatties, Vernors, pasties, yooper pride, bugs, broad-leaf forests, birch, thistle, dunes, stay-in-the-car-oil-changes in Michigan, liquor-at-gas-stations Wisconsin, and traffic-in-your-A Illinois.

National Park Graffiti

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I'm already out of town again. I didn't even get a chance to capture the giantness of The Giant Forest in a proper travel essay. I will finish that on the train to Chicago today. Here is a preview: Big Trees, Big Fun.

In the meany - check out Beth's innovative smores technique. We were stuck on a one lane mountain highway with twenty minutes to spare. At 7,500 feet above sea level and a chipper 89 degree sun smiling down on us, we figured it would take seven minutes to bring the smore to proper melty point. Beth was willing to sacrifice the burnt mallow taste and bit into hers as soon as the chocolate beaded up with sunsweat. We should have used the engine block.

Giant Forest

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Am and I went to see a special screening of "Brand Upon the Brain" complete with orchestra and narration by a beautiful and famous Italian horror film actress, Barbara Steele.

I had a bonnie time but I might have missed some of the actual film because I was so distracted by the three foley artists in the corner. They were dressed in lab coats and had scads of fascinating props like a tub of water and a giant wind tumbler. My favorite was when they tore a fresh celery stalk to make the sounds of bones crushing.

After the show everyone was standing around discussing how they just love foley. I am not a seasoned foley conversationalist so I just kept saying that I loved when they bit the celery.

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I left another pillow at another motel. Some time ago I got the bright idea to take my own pillow with me on road trips. Since then I have left three pillows at various motorlodges across western America. Now, make that a total of four and recognize this as a public declaration of abandoning that travel tactic. The only people that it is making 'more comfortable' are the lucky motel owners that find my awesome polyester pillows covered in super cute pillowcases.

Miss N and I took a jaunt up the 395 this weekend. I found a NPS brochure for Manzanar when I was in New Mexico and was enticed by the indomitable cover photo. I also hadn’t added a stamp to my National Parks Passport in a good while so I figured it was high time to get exploring eastern Cali.

We packed and planned for camping but when we saw the precious motels and storefronts in Lone Pine we knew we had to stay in town.

Lone Pine is known for being a kind of base camp for Mt. Whitney, the highest point in the United States, and for being a popular filming location for westerns, Ridley Scott films, and truck commercials.

They have a new Film History Museum. The museum plays films that were shot in Lone Pine every Thursday and Saturday. N and I got to see Cary Grant in “Gunga Din” with a crowd full of people that probably caught it when it was originally released in ’39.

That’s just the thing about Lone Pine. The multifarious populous is what makes Lone Pine an exceptional place to visit. Besides the cowboy or ATV/four-wheeling locals, you have sport tourists there for fishing and climbing, retirees on their way up to Kings canyon in their RV’s, and film buffs and production people. There just happened to be a massive Corvette caravan bin town when we were there. N noted that most Corvette drivers are tall skinny white guys with receding hairlines. I only observed the group for one evening, but other than a man with a British accent and a full head of hair, she was right.

After the movie we went to the Double L bar and played a game of shuffleboard. Sierra Nevada on tap costs $3.50 and comes in a chilly mug. The shuffleboard is free and so is the competitive advice coming from the locals at the bar. It was a Saturday night and the place had plenty of room to chillax. All in all, it was a fortunate break from Los Angeles.

Manzanar

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At the Pet Cemetery in Manzanar

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Just another reason to hang around me.

I have many many skills, ‘knacks’ for stuff. It seems like the circumstances of each week highlight a special attribute of mine.

This week is really turning out to be something special for stubbing my big toe and general flip-flop accidents.
Not only that, but I have been able to get in line at the store, several times already, by people that apparently just came up from their nuclear bomb shelters. These poor people are completely unfamiliar with the ATM and credit card and oftentimes, even cash, payment system. It is so fortunate that someone like me is behind them in line.

Hands On

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Would you believe me if I told you that the Autry lets you dress up like an old fashioned cowboy? And you even get to whip a realistic photo of a horse? Well it's not true. But there are a lot of hands-on activities for kids and parents. Like you can pretend you a eating in a fifties kitchen. Or you can put on cowboy boots.

The museum itself is far more impressive than I anticipated. I expected big things because I love the wild west so much. They are having a pistol exhibit right now and there is a whole wing dedicated to hand card Colt hand guns. Its something to see. I can't imagine people (soldiers, police officers, militia, gangstas) using guns that are covered in intricate hand carvings. These babys were covered with flowers and feathers. I wonder which point they decided to scrap that.

The best parts of the museum are the life size buffalo and the various giant maps. It gives you a sense of territory and prospecting.

The gift shop is solid. The only down side was that out of all of the western music, there wasn't a CD that had "Sounds of the Ranch". In a lot of the museum rooms they would have random ranch sounds playing and they should offer that on a CD so visitors can keep pretending for days, even years after they go home.

I bought a dream catcher.

The Autry Museum

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I discovered The Black Hole in a Frommer's guide from the mid-nineties. I had a hard time finding references to The Black Hole online but I knew it was a place I needed to see. It's a surplus store with every kind of everything imaginable for the aspiring nuclear scientist and/or weapons engineer. Its a tourist attraction for a special kind of tourist.

A violent thunderstorm rolled in seconds after I arrived. So I hung out in my parked car for a few minutes before deciding that it was worth the risk of getting soaked and struck by lightning. The downside was that much of the machinery in the outdoor lot was covered by tarps. I didn't feel like hanging out in the rain too much anyway.

The inside of the store did not disappoint. I have never seen so many different incarnations of the periodic table. The inside is stacked and piled and crammed with all kinds of electrical gear. It's organized by categories like "wires" and "theoretical design." The gentleman that work there are first and foremost, inventors, they have interesting stories about playing soccer with the Oppenheimer kids and working at "The Lab." It appears to be the kind of place where you just show up and start inventing stuff and the owner lets you handle a couple cash transactions. Before you know it, you've been working at The Black Hole for twelve years.

I'll have more pics and info on The Biggest Butte come launch day.

OPI

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

The Omega Peace Institute is located right next door to The Black Hole. As you can see, they have an excellent broken bomb sculpture. It is a symbol of unbomb worship. I was there on a Friday so I missed the critical mass. I'd go back.

Bridge View Near LA Lab

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

I had to go through security near the national laboratory just to walk over a bridge nearby. It was worth it - look at this New Mexican view. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the famous "Prom" tagger had been there before me.

National Lab

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Its a Rental

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

The rental car place at Sunport Airport in Albuquerque is a real low-key grab it yourself kind of place. I got in late and was glad when the chap at the counter told me to go out to the back lot and pick whichever car I wanted in spaces 91-113. My reservation was for a compact (not economy, those are just uncivilized) but like always they didn’t have anything left but midsize.

The average public may not know this but PT Cruisers are considered midsize. I thought they were in a class all their own, albeit the babyboomerbarfclass but nonetheless a class of their own. Spaces 91-113 had only five white PT Cruisers, the only car on the lot that I would refuse to drive. I was peeping out a Dodge Caravan in space 126 when I saw my last option in space 111: The Chevy HHR. Color: ORANGE. An orange hearse. Perfect.

The vehicle got more attention than anything I have ever driven. I didn’t think it was for any other reason than its shaped like a futuristic speakeasy shuttle and painted bright orange. I was a little wrong. Apparently the word is out that these babys get decent gas mileage and if there is anything some New Mexican old dudes like rapping about, its gas mileage. I love talking to strangers about sports and gas mileage. Gas mileage especially because the older guys really seem to take pleasure in knowing that I am bopping around the country getting nearly thirty-three miles per gallon. It is satisfying to know that someone is driving around a deal.

Sunport

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I took the Turquoise Trail (Route 14) from Albuquerque to Santa Fe. It added on an additional 3-4 hours to what would have been an hour and a half drive up to Los Alamos but it was worth it.

New Mexico is essentially what you wish Arizona was and maybe would be without all the barfamansions. New Mexico means: Adobe shacks, dream catchers, insane yet fast-moving weather patterns, rivers, and lush desolation. They call it the Land Of Enchantment. What other state has a spooky slogan like that? Nebraska? Living the Good Life? Michigan? Good Times, Great Lakes. Well sure, Michigan's slogan is genius but doesn't dip into otherworld realms like New Mexico's.

I'll be posting some more photos and enchanting tales throughout the day. Stand by.

Oh and I did a quick search after going on my state slogan tangent and I found this site that has license plate slogans. It is very interesting to a great patriot like myself. I especially like Alaska's North to the Future. Dang thats good.

Lil Adobes

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New Mexico Fence

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Atomic Age

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I am back from New Mexico. I have a lot to say about the place, the first being that Virginia should move over as being the "place for lovers." You know what I am saying? Yeah. Because I am in love with Los Alamos.

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Ladies and gents. Im off to gather important information about our nation's atomic history. I'll be back to blog about it by Memorial day.

XO

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Since I took Em to Long Beach last weekend I thought that I would show her another worthwhile side of SoCal - the Inland Empire.

Right across the street from a UHaul rental place on Foothill Blvd (old Route 66) in Rialto is the Wigwam Hotel. It is one of the best places to catch some Z's the old fashioned TeePee way.

The wigwams used to be painted with authentic colorful Native American like zigzags but the new owner told us that his family had bought the place just a few years ago and started renovations by repainting them all light brown. I appreciated the symmetry but I think the zags would really set the place apart from the Uhaul joint and strip mall across the street.

One thing is for sure, the walls of these teepees are as thin as the originals at the turn of the century. The Wigwam Hotel gets a lot of traffic from dump trucks and visitors of what I suspect to be permanent residents of a couple of the wams. After just one night in the teepee we had a bunch more questions for the owner like, why does it smell a little bit like pee inside? Why are the ceilings so low? Where are the dream catchers and buckskin and genuine Indian artifacts? Luck for us he was happy to answer. Apparently there is no good reason for the low ceilings and the tops of the teepees are full of nothing but the spirit of the old wild west.

We didn't ask him about the pee smell. I wanted to keep it light because even though we didn't sleep a full night with all the smells and the racket, thats just how it is when you sleep in a teepee. If you can't take the heat, stay at the W.

side notes: Emmas dad called the next day and informed her that her grandparents, Lefty and
Lois, had actually lived in one of the wigwams at the wigwam hotel for one year with their infant child back in the 50s. I thought she seemed very comfortable in our wigwam.

FYI: A wigwam is actually a domed structure and a teepee is the triangular shaped situation you see in the pic and at all wigwam motels.

Update: The second printing of Dealing With Difficult People is underway.

Jury duty update: Kurt Russel was spotted in the building today. Apparently even actors from "Big Trouble in Little China" have to serve jury duty.

As if hanging out in a criminal court building for the past couple days isn't unsettling enough (being surrounded by murder charges freaks you out) I have to come home to the violent and emotional debacle that was formerly known as the NBA playoffs. Is anyone else watching this? Ultimate fighting championships IMHO. The poor Golden State Scrappers couldn't get a break. They didn't have a fighting chance in that arena full of dedicated, 3.2-beer-drinking Utahns.

I'm too tired to compose it tonight, but I will be sending a concerned letter to David J. Stern.

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Perfect day for ballin. P got us dope seats for the Dodgers game yesterday. I have some footage of these two jokers (it will be up on vimeo soon) yelling at the Reds saying stuff like, "your pastrami curtains are showing". Gross.

Steevadors, Longshoreman, Soccer Teams

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So Emma is here. Well, she is actually in Torrance for work. She came in last night and I told her I would wait out the rush hour traffic and then come by and take her to the most magical place in the south bay area: The Port of Long Beach. Its a super beefy machinery boaty cargo-y place that looks like a parking lot for Millenium Falcons at night. I was so happy that she dug it. You never know if people like truly proper shit. But Ems liked it so much that she made up a chant, "its like trains on boats, trains on boats!"

I took her back to her homebase hotel early because I was sympathetic to the east-to-west-coast jetlag. I thought it would be a great idea to get a glass of wine at the hotel bar, like two classy adult ladies. Seeing giant machinery move cargo from around the world can be overwhelming and exhausting, so you need something to help you wind down. We only wanted some peace and quiet and a good view of a group of comely gentleman from a college soccer team that were prancing around the lobby waiting for their equally attractive coach to check them in. And just when they started to wrestle with each other we were interrupted by some other people from her work that were already four drinks deep from the bar. Oh well. That is what she is here for anyway. Until next week anyhow - then its all play and no work in LA for Ems.

In the meantime, know that I have been serving jury duty. The best part is how much you learn about yourself and I tell you it's been true for me - I think I have found something that I can look forward to when I am retired. I wondered what I would fill my days up with after I turn 70. I mean I know my weekends will be for bridge and casseroles but what are you supposed to do during the week? Jury duty is flipping perfect because its time consuming yet socially important. You make anonymous descions that will have no personal or career consequences. I hope when you are old you can volunteer for it more than twice a year.

Emmas Here

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The Yawning Palmist

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I’m writing this from the public library where the only study booth left is one where someone must have slapped down some pieces of greasy pizza, pressed it into the table and sprinkled those redhot pepper things all over the place. I wish I wasn’t wearing flip flops.

N and I took a day trip to Pismo Beach. She promised that it would be fancy and gritty. The central coast of Cali is very beautiful but the pristine terracottaroofed Walgreens of Santa Barbara make you feel like you should be dropping off dry cleaning or ordering starbucks. You need coastal isolation and grit, true grit.

While we were waiting for a table at some place where N would eventually order, dismantle, and ingest a giant crab, I decided to venture over to the Palmist across the street. This psychic establishment had the best sign I have ever seen so I expected the interior to be ultramagical.

The door was locked but a tired housewifey looking lady with bleached out orange hair and a long chino skirt let us in. Before we even said anything she asked how old we were. I don’t think it was to establish that we were old enough to retain psychic services. She was already trying to gather info for her reading.

The place had blue carpet and a giant white ceramic LAMB in the middle of the room. There were two corner rooms with blue curtains and crystal balls for readings. No incense, no bojangles or beads. I was disappointed but I had already gotten in the door. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

N was against spending money on such things but I asked for a palm reading. The woman led me into one of the tiny rooms, sat down and crossed her arms in front of her chest, yawned and told me to hold out my hands. I did and expected her to grab it, hold it, summon a spirit animal or something. But she just stared at my hands and said, “I can tell you aren’t married. But you have been hurt in the past.” At this point I thought that she might actually be the cleaning lady covering for the real psychic, the one that paid for the awesome palm reading sign since I think most people participating in western civilization could have told me the same thing since I wasn’t wearing any rings.

She started to tell me about how I was going to go into management and I started to feel awful. Then she said I would get married after meeting my soul mate, probably named STEVE, within fifteen months. After which she yawned again. Then she said I would have two daughters. All of this sounds like my worst flipping nightmare. Then she said that I have been overworked and very stressed out from working so hard. And that’s when I swear I heard N laugh outloud from the psychic waiting room.

I had been had. I mean its hard to believe that a psychic would rip you off, I know. But if you go to Pismo, just try to stick with the seafood and mineral hot springs. Thanks.

And she didn't even know there was one in Phoenix

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

I like to travel to cities where the hometown basketball team is doing hot hot hot. I like to travel to cities where the NASCAR something or rather is taking place and burning up the pavement and congesting the one road outta town. I like cities with Waffle Houses and Anthropologies and no nearby competing metropolis’s. I like any city where one of my high school homies has escaped the confines of our home town to stake their claim in the sunshine. I like a city that requires a four hour drive on a two lane highway in the baron, unforgiving desert. Drives like that make you think about stuff like the human condition, forgiveness, beef jerky, an unexpected tire blow-out, and cell phone reception. It was great to see you Kriso.

Strike Two

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I tried to get inside another one of Californias beautiful and slightly creepy Spanish missions yesterday. My first attempt in San Gabriel didn't work out becase they had just closed up shop (at 4pm!)

And yesterday, in Santa Barbara, seconds after we found parking (which wasn't easy - its spring break around here) we were informed that the mission was closed due to a power outage.

I thought this was a bit of bullshit because I know that those building have been around since before electrical times. I think they could have considered the rest of us tourists and lit up some old fashioned torches.

N said she didn't understand the appeal of the Missions and I tried to come up with a fantastical story about Hitchcock, Virtigo, Monks, and the Spanish Inquisition. I wouldn't really know since I have never actually been inside.

Gorgeous day yesterday : oceans, palm trees, channel islands, mountains and valleys. At dinner last night I told T that our ride out to Santa Barbara was awesome and she said (innocently) "What was so great about it?" Spoken like someone raised in Southern California.

Mission Santa Barbara

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Mission Santa Barbara

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BFF F

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I forgot to get a pic of drew's middle piece but last night we presented him with the exclusive three way Best Friends Forever charm as thanks for all of his work on our production.

I am sure the very exclusive piece of jewelry made working four ten hour days for no money totally worth it.

BFF

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Wads of Gifts

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I should be charging for this information but we recently discovered the perfect gift for the person that has everything.

These ceramic wads of cash are belt buckles. They will be a welcome addition to any wardrobe, male or female or anything in between.

Everyone is getting these for Easter!

Street Ballin

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Home for a minute

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I was just at LAX and I didn't even check out the giant plane. I was too tired to do anything else at the airport other than pay a million dollars for parking and get home.

I went home, home this weekend and the visit was a real HIT as you can see by this photo.

Training in the winds of San Pedro

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Sister Tour

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I recently took my little sister to Vegas. She had never been there and didn't know what to expect. Im sure she was delighted to find out that "MY Vegas" involves the following activities:

Nabbing free drinks as a spectator of high-stakes craps at the Venetian or The Wynn or The Bellagio

Giving unsolicted recommendations for impromptu weddings (highlarious, right?)

Seeing how many people accept our offer to take a couple/group photo. (Project GoodSnapshotmaritian)

People In Photo Frames

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Doesn't this look like a happy family you would see in a photo frame at the store? Well it isn't.

Today was very exciting for several reasons, although I have determined that 70% of the goodness is unpublishable after listening to an NPR discussion on youth, internet, and privacy. I don’t feel particularly young per se but I do feel I should wise up and publish the more juicy content on a podcast or anonymous message board.

I cannot however resist sharing with the entire world that I got cable television today. And it was a bigger hassle than I anticipated. The drama started even before I hit power on my remote yo. My landlord, who just so happens to live next door to me, verbally attacked the cable guy and threatened him with physical or legal action (not sure which – both of them have mucked up English) when she saw him treading around the back yard looking at a nearby phone pole.

I was positively amazed at how intensely she felt the need to assert her authority over the cable technician. Even after I explained to her that I had requested cable television and everything that the installation entailed, she followed us around and stepped into my place and furiously pointed at a limp 8 ft coil of used cable that has been poking out of my living room baseboard since I moved in, “You aren’t going to be using THAT are you? It isn’t your property.” I have no idea whatsoever the purpose of having a cut and frayed cable wire in my house will serve but there is no way I’m back-talking to a landlord of a rent-controlled apartment in this up and coming area (and I mean up-and-coming – I just saw that cute tall guy from “The Office” at my local bar) even if it means suffering through a few mildly uncomfortable moments. I mean it was only as uncomfortable as watching a date belittle a waitress or taxi driver. No biggie. Its not like IM the cable guy that had to crawl under the house because the landlord didn’t want him to staple a cable anywhere near the roof.

***

A couple days ago I was packing up a pair of earrings I picked out for one of my fave friends. At the last minute I threw in a ‘used’ photocopy of a story from an anthology that I got on the first day of a fiction workshop I am taking. I spoke with her today and she told me how much she dug getting a photocopied short story in the mail. It makes you feel like you should be making notes or highlighting stuff or just reading a whole story in one sitting (that’s Poe’s definition of a short story BTW). I have been inspired to start a photocopied short story chainmail type thing. I suppose I need to make more friends that read to get started. Holler at me if you want to be a part of this.

Cybershot

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Within moments of getting off the plane back from my trip my favorite digital camera broke. I appreciated it even more that it waited until we god home to crap out on me. Although, I really wanted to get some MPEG footage of the American Airlines baggage claim walkway.

It had been on the fritz for some time so I knew its days were numbered but I was trying to ignore it. I thought that maybe there was just sand in the contraption and used some eyeglass screwdriver to open it up. That was when I really broke it. It was extra broken. And this is what it looked like.

Never Enough

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

I got some more photos from B from the trip. It seems like there are more photos than there were minutes in the short trip. Whatevs. I have always said let god sort ‘em out.

This photo in particular captures the essence of thebiggestbutte.com - it really follows the travel theme of "Never Enough" - part of anyone's vacation documentation should involve sassy posing near a contradictory road or restaurant sign. It's the kidnapping equivalent to holding up a newspaper to prove the date. You have to show that you took it to the limit and the only thing you took seriously was staying free.

Local Driving on Vimeo

The island version of what we midwestern girls know as the "peel-out."
I could hear these guys screeching about seventeeen curves away.

Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Two Scoops Rice, One Scoop Macaroni

I’m back. From Maui. The day after getting back from a trip that is better than your real life is kind of like sitting suicide watch for yourself. I also suspect that I may have started a deadly diuretic habit and I might be experiencing withdrawals. Whatever the case, it is raining in LA and I am only thinking about the would haves, should haves, and could haves of my trip.

First of all I should not have left Maui. I should have stayed until my feet matched my brown flip flops and I came up with my own pineapple bread recipe. I’m kidding, really island life will turn you into a dreaded (as in hairstyle) freak. I saw the mature crowd outside of an art opening in a resort town right across the street from “Cheeseburger in Paradise” and thought that I was in Sausalito.

What I really really regret is not bringing the sturdy one-size-too-big Timberland aquasocks that I purchased in Moab, Utah this summer. If there is one item that you seriously need in Hawaii, it is aquasocks. I don’t know how many times I would turn to my travel partners and say, “Now THIS is what aqua socks are for.” And they would just say, “I KNOW, I know.”

We also should have told more people that we were from LA right away. That way we would avoid any unnecessary pandering by the tourism professionals. From one Pacific side city to another – we can get strange fruit anywhere. There was a particularly tense moment when a crazed hippy at a roadside fruit stand tried to get Natalie to crack open a macadamia nut with a giant rock.

I should have bought a Ludacris CD with me to play in the rental car. There isn’t good radio reception on the Hana highway.

I should have discussed the travelogy program with all of my fellow travelers. Some people may not be hip to the program. For instance, each trip has to have a theme. We eventually decided on “Never Enough” – this worked very well once we got going.

I also should have and could have helped out these two Australian RadDads that got cut off on the plane back to LA. I should have let them know that they can't hold their liquor very well and that they were prohibiting my enjoyment of the in-flight movie, “The Queen.” They started off trying to get their kids to play Ro-Sham-Bo for the window seat, their little girl lost and started crying. What a sore loser. The RadDads, dressed in True Religion jeans, screen print tees, and leather bowler – camper – like shoes ordered a vodka cranberry each as soon as the drink cart came around. I only know this because they were seated two seats behind me and I always perk up when men order vodka cranberries. They must have had a few more because in the middle of the movie I could hear them, through my noise-cancelling headphones mind you, heckling the screen – screaming stuff about the queen and Tony Blair. It was awful. One of the RadDads got up to get another round from a flight attendant and she told him he had enough and then said something about how his kids were with him. He went back to his seat to tell RD#2 and they caused such a commotion that three flight attendants had to come over. I thought for sure we would have to land the plane on a secret island and the TSA would escort them off and they would have to Ro-Sham-Bo for the top bunk in a federal prison. But nothing really happened other than a renewal of my faith in the public behavior of grown people.

Bob Maui

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Paintin Place

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

The Rules of Sports Fandom

If you are watching a game that is not your usual sport you can still really enjoy yourself. Just apply your enthusiasm for competition and follow these rules:

1) Pick a side and stick with it like your life depends on it. Nothing is fun unless you are genuinely invested. Fake it till you make it.
2) Chose a theme for the game like “get it done” and “take it home” and “serve-in it” that you can refer to whenever your team scores.
3) Follow the ‘points on the board’ strategy. Points win games. You don’t need to know the intricacies of every sport. Most games are won by the team with the most points. Fellow sportsfans will be impressed if you clap and say “lets put some points on the board.” This is unfailable logic.
4) No matter what, watch the entire game out of respect for the game. And by the game I mean The Game.

Confession

Dear You Know Who,

I have to tell you that on the last day that I saw you. One day after officially breaking up, we were in your apartment and you weren't talking to me because well, why would you since I had already informed you that you were saying everything wrong. Anyway, I was in your room, packing up my American Tourister carry-on approved weekender when I saw that Richard Ford short story book that you were going to lend me. I picked it up and packed it right in the outside zip compartment next to a dirty long sleeved t-shirt. I packed it knowing full well that upon our break-up the conditions of the book loan had changed. I knew I was stealing from you and I was pretty certain that it would make me feel better that someday you would need to reference Richard Ford's short fiction and it wouldn't be there.

It may not happen for a while but it will happen. And I think after this confession I will finally feel better about it. You should also know that I haven't read word one of the book. Yet.

Sincerely,
XXXX X

Tiger's Milk

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

I don’t know if it’s because I have been actively trash talking the entertainment qualities of “An Inconvenient Truth” or because of the terrifying surge in death-by-weather news stories but lately I have been nervous about getting stranded in bad weather. So on my last road trip, in addition to Combos, I purchased a Tigers Milk bar. I am pretty sure that these are included in C-Rations and anything that keeps soldiers alive and alert is something I want to have on my dashboard. Because it includes the actual milk of a tiger, the bar retains its nutritional and life-sustaining qualities regardless of the number of times it is melted and reformed.

The bar is on my dashboard just in case something happens to the back of my vehicle like a giant falling rock or intentional rear-ending by a high desert serial killer. In the back of my ride I have a first aid kit with aspirin, band aids, and ointment. Ointment that will prevent infection on any scrape I get while clawing my way out of an avalanche. The kit (available on drugstore.com) also includes a silver blanket. But I am totally sure that I wouldn’t be able to sleep with that thing because I need the weighty assurance of a down comforter.

I thought that most of my friends would find this information useful in case I go missing. You all should hope that there isn’t more than two or more of you with me when or if that happens because the tigers milk bar is not indicated for splitting into anything more than thirds. Anyway, I have a survival plan that gives me at least two or three days lead time advantage. This should prevent any disturbances in weekend plans in the event that I go missing on a Friday.

Retarded

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

On the drive to Long Beach I listened to the day-after reactions about Bush's awesome war plan to send even more troops to Iraq. Excellent strategy. When I am really full I think "maybe I should just shove more food, maybe more cream cheese or lamb chops down the old gullet, that will fix it."

While I was waiting for my meeting at the VA I saw that only one person had signed in for the day.

And I don't think they mean reatarded stupid fresh.

Better you than me.

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

What are the ethics of semi-designated driving? This is when you go to the bar with the intention of taking it easy but then decide later that you would rather not take the risk of getting a DUI so you make your friends boyfriend drive.

I have long held the belief that men can drive drunk better than women. I believed this in High School and because it is convenient for me, I believe it now.

Burnt Retina

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

The other day, back in '06 if you will, we drove out to the Salton Sea. It was incredible. Incredibly abandoned and reflective.

The only other people out there were some horseshoe playing rad dads and a few youth skateboarding enthusiasts from Burbank (go figure) and then there was the layzee park ranger that closed up the visitor center at 3:57. After I saw the park ranger guy walk to his pick up truck I understood that he was on an add-five life timeline. He either had rheumatoid arthritis or just too many twinkies to eat, either way the man was not keeping the visitor center open until 4 let alone rush to his car after a long day of park visitor centering.

N asked anyone that crossed her path about swimming in the Sea.
She got all kinds of answers from "its FINE" to "don’t even think about it, they've been dumping nuclear runoff there for years."

The woman (maybe a park assistant?) lowering the State of California Flag told her to come back in June, the water would be 80 degrees (forget the regular temp of the air would be 120) but I think N was really interested in just taking a dip in someplace where she could just float. I can see the appeal but I am afraid of pelicans, they are some of the most vicious and diseased waterfowl.

On the topic of vicious and diseased it does seem that the new year has brought about a hot mess of gentleman troubles with my g-pals and myself. Besides my own typical and infuriating issues, several relationships that I had believed to be rock solid or at least based on the trustworthy and unwavering love of rock music, have broken up. I just heard my darling favorite coworker in tears because some johnny-come-lately (who she assisted in his move out to LA) has decided he was done with her. Since I was born a century too late its so hard to think about how to handle things like this without the assistance of laudanum and a prospectors axe. Its really sad that the days of forcing someone to like you with the threat of physical violence are mostly gone. And its so sad that you can no longer live in a mutually supportive, yet sexless, marriage with a wealthy and fashionable gay man. Its time for us to wake up and make the babyboomers pay for what they have done to society.

Things We Know For Sure

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Hoop Dreams

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.