On The Streetz

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Shore Do Love Maps

I made it to the New York Public Library just in time to see their map exhibition Mapping New York’s Shoreline, 1609-2009.

 

If it hadn’t been one of my first days in the city (and being unsure of how much needless crap I would haul in and need suitcase room from H&M and the MoMA store) I would have ripped most of the maps off the walls and run out screaming, “I’m taking this exhibition to Memphis!” And had I used one of the earlier maps, like from 1609, I would have accidently found myself in the Atlantic Ocean and probably on a pirate ship.

Amusement Parts By The Water

The best thing about Brooklyn is the last stop on the Q train:

Before the night falls:

 

After a death defying ride on the Wonder Wheel (the sign says no accidents in 89 years), we walked the pier with beers in hand and saw some fisherman pull things (occasionally even seafood) out of the water and their pants.

And speaking of food here’s some food – well, not just food but Beef Stroganoff I ordered that night- from Ocean View Cafe in Brighton Beach:

B told me afterwards that going to Coney Island and then to Brighton Beach for Russian food is exactly what they did on an episode of Bored to Death – I was like, hey man, if I wanted to be original I would get a snake or a lizard or a colorful squawking bird, put it on my head, and walk around Coney Island.

** Postcards from Lola Star Botique, Coney Island, NY.

Coded Clippings

I unpacked a few of the last boxes from the move and I found my valentine candy box with a bunch of half-eaten chocolates still in it and this Garfield comic strip I remember clipping but I don’t remember why --it is not especially hilarious, doesn’t involve lasagna, and I haven’t clipped a comic since:

I’m convinced there is a secret message or an intended recipient. I hope I find both.

I Declare!

I usually don’t allow myself to be photographed with children (one of my Norma Desmond rules) and my feet are kind of hogging the frame here but aren’t these RWB sandals real show stoppers?

Our patriotic footwear display was nothing compared to the Betsy Rosses and Abe Lincolns and Uncle Sams and dogs in mini hats in the annual Independence Day Central Gardens Parade.  Now I’m not sure of the official name but I can say that it was officially awesome.

Exactly.

USA Birthday Celebration Day Two:

And later, in Germantown:

It Starts and Ends With This Bear

In true travel tradition, I am not prepared or nourished or rested enough to properly post about my visit to New York CitaY. In less than a week there I encountered (and involuntarily rubbed up against or held hands with on the subway) more human beings than the entire population south of the Mason-Dixon line. I had trouble sleeping at night because as soon as my head hit the pillow I kept thinking this city isn’t sleeping, why are you sleeping?  Or I would just obsessively, mentally replay the sites of Coney Island (like blubberly bodies in swimsuits, freakshows, naked toddlers grabbing live crabs out of white paint buckets while their parents ate rice-a-roni out of a giant tupperware popcorn bowl, the Wonder Wheel, and the pier dance party for starters).

I can bookend the trip with this, the unnamed bear I won with my dart skills (and five dollars) at Coney Island:

He came back to Manhattan with us and later ended up as a distractor element for my lack of cash to tip housekeeping when I left the hotel:

He looks blue because Sportscenter is playing up above.

Now, I know he ended up somewhere because I had to return to my room only five minutes after I thought I was leaving for good (I forgot something very important – I had forgotten to indulge my fear of leaving something behind) and when I came back – the lock was fixed out like housekeeping does when they are getting ready to clean the room and the cash and the bear were gone!

I wonder where he is now, I wonder where he will go next.  Like many other things this week, he was released from the plastic bag of carnie oppression and sent out on an endless, or at least, unpredicatable New York adventure.

Chinese Doctors are Real Doctors

E came to NYC with a bad headcold and it wasn't improved even after taking Aleve Cold & Sinus D (which we insisted not only would work like magic but was what truck drivers use to help them make good time) so we spent the afternoon (after a healthy dose of confrencing) looking for some kind of clinic, pharmacist, or witchdoctor that could cure her.

We stopped in a homey looking pharmacy and the woman told E that she probably didn't need antibiotics if she didn't have a fever but there was a Chinese Doctor around the corner, "he's a real doctor." She assured us.

And he was. He gave E a half (torn) piece of lined paper and told her to fill out her name and address and then he took her into his office. She did indeed have a fever! She left with an RX and hope for the future. We both agreed if we lived here he would be our regular doctor.

After that we ate Lombardi's Pizza!  It is as good as the sign says - the best in the world. And after that I tried to buy a water at a street vendor with a twenty dollar bill and the guy looked at me like I just showed him a naked picture of his mother. 

Small bills. Tomorrow I will carry more small bills.


S Kaye

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Conferring

(I leave the motoblur notification on the bottom of these posts so that my adoring audience will know this is a mobile/no spell check situation)

Nothing like reviewing powerpoints in an enclosed space with burgandy tablecloths. City of Dreams!

S Kaye

Connected by MOTOBLUR™ on T-Mobile

Steps and Swag and Swaggerin Steps

I'm a really good new yorker because I have no patience for a line or a wait of any kind and because I feel like peeing everywhere.  I waited a total of three minutes to check into the conference (I'm at a conference for do-gooders as an ethnographic research stunt because I am not a do-gooder - I hate waiting after all) and the freebie bags that everyone was un-do-goodygrabbing for included a cocacola pedometer. This is where I stand for the day so far:  5507 steps.

S Kaye

Connected by MOTOBLUR™ on T-Mobile

Wrap My Head Around being Thrown Under The Bus

Facebook status updates in the last minute featuring the term “wrap my head around it”

Okay guys, I'm trying to wrap my head around the latest shock World Cup scoreline - Portugal SEVEN DPRK nil??? What the hell is going on? Do you think Portugal were the better team lol? Somehow I'm inclined to think that. Looks like curtains for Ivory Coast! - pissed off no surprise, some fuckin people, cant wrap my head around em chillin with my baby - cant seem to wrap my head around this.. - So today, Dentist appointment, Job Interview, School work, then trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am actually going to miss one day of school for Tiffany's pagent!!! I guess for my daughter I will do anything, One day might just kill me though!!! - 2nd grade moving up is all finished. September my kid is in the middle school. She will graduate in the year 2020...hard to wrap my head around that one. - I love the misconceptions people have about everything and everyone. It is so stupid I can't even wrap my head around it, but kinda entertaining. - Cannot wrap my head around pro rating today...been gone too long. I am confusing me and pissing me off!!!! - is in need of a nap! I can't take anymore thinking right now. I have enough to wrap my head around and this is just crazy... Wow, I need a free vacation... ! - Sometimes life seems so unreal... Just can't wrap my head around it - Right now is one of those times where I can't wrap my head around it. - listenin to this chris brown & tyga mixed tape @ tonny house...by myself! lol tryna wrap my head around this conversation ijust had wit bonez ready to leave...36 days left...ugh hurry up July 27th! ireally wanna go swimmin!!! - i have yet to wrap my head around the distinction between pretentious and earnest. - Can't seem to wrap my head around all that has taken place in the past few days - is exausted, sad, angry, and totally disappointed with one person...just can't wrap my head around it...how can a mother keep her children away from the ones that love them!!! it's a sad sad world...... - can't wrap my head around this problem.. - can hardly wrap my head around the fact that on July 3rd, I will get to renew several friendships/relationships from the late 1960's--I am sooo excited & a tad nervous! - Trying 2 wrap my head around bull shit ppl keep talking be real (kayekilla note: this one written by a chick that looks ten) - This is a little late I know... I've had to wrap my head around a few things lately. I just want to say thank you to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday.... I appreciate it more than you know. -  still tryin to wrap my head around WHY..my xbox account got suspended for a week...this is BULLSHIT - got some sleep, calmed down. still hard to wrap my head around this shit. - Finally feeling up to re-entering society at large. No Jammies before kids are in bed is a VERY difficult thing to wrap my head around. And today, I have a sore throat. Ugh. - ...wrap my head around... - I'm not starting work today. I was physically assulted and robbed. So I have to get my ID/ SS card & all that jazz before I start. Almost all my life I have lived in Cleveland, & never been messed w/. I'm just try'n to wrap my head around it. - is trying to wrap my head around this thing called LOVE... I'm just not understanding it right now! Why does it have to hurt so bad? - Trying to wrap my head around last night... woah - I am stressed, not ready to wrap my head around a new project so I am going to go take a 15 minute break by the creek. -trying to wrap my head around this divorce package!!!!!!!

Facebook status updates that feature the phrase “(thrown) under the bus” in the last minute:

It hurts wen those who r LOYAL get thrown under the bus nd the rats get all the LOVE ND GLORY im jus sayin smh.... - Sad faces, I wish I didn't have to get thrown under the bus and work a 15 hour shift. - JUST THROW ME UNDER THE BUS WHY DONT YA.......... - Ever try to help someone and wind up getting thrown under the bus?? No good deed goes unpunished. Anyway ... the book is nearing completion and the CD has a couple more songs in the works so that won't be happening very soon. The sabbatical keeps getting interrupted by ... life. Long story short ... if you need me ... message me. - getting thrown under the bus really sucks expecially when you had no idea - Don't be mad cause um on top right now and you under the bus. I told you every dog got it's day!!! (kayekilla note – this is a favorite use and admiral-able revival of this tired phrase) - Man the last week has been a nightmare so much stuff has gone wrong it makes me want to throw in my hand. I cant believe how someone you trusted and thought you were ok with would just throw you under the bus and back the bus up on you. Just goes to show what a person will do to save their own neck. Kinda makes me want to retaliate. - Love when people throw me under the bus ... does it make you feel better about yourself?? Going to fuckin bed. - If you throw me under the bus... I will hit you with a plane :) haha - YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOME ONE AND ALL YOUR LIFE YOU ARE ACTUALLY STRANGERS.THEY WOULD EVEN GO AS FAR AS SELLING YOU DOWN THE RIVER OR THROWING YOU UNDER THE BUS FOR THEIR WELL BEING..WOW AND THESE ARE SO CALLED SIBLINGS DANG FOR THAT WHO NEEDS ENEMY'S WOW................... (kayekilla note – this guy posted TWICE in a minute about under-bus throwing) - Not even being "thrown under the bus" today can't dampen my euphoria over our win in South Africa... - Yeah I'll admit, I was down to ride...Just didn't realize I'd be thrown under the bus so soon! No worries, I wasn't stuck for too long..Just flyinggg solooo :P - i luv bein the good friend thrown under the bus, it only enhances my focus on god and shows me the lack of trust from those around me. who can i call friend??? - I am getting so used to being thrown under the bus I am going to get tire treds tatooed on my back and the saying...you better make it count cause when I get up... - Obama's just throughing everyone under the bus. - I love how everyone on top chef just threw each other under the bus. lol hilarious - Don't you just love it when you are thrown under the bus by someone that is suppose to be your friend? - Ask and you shall receive ... i love when people ((try)) to lie to cover their own ass and ((try)) to throw someone under the bus in the mean time. Nice try, maybe tomoro ;) - Being thrown under the bus never feels good. - Loves bein thrown under the bus.. - general petraeus, prepair yourself to be throughed under the bus by the p.o.t.u.s! - I love it when my boyfriend throws me under the bus.... it just makes me feel so great (big sad face) :( even my friends have never done that. - cant stand it when people throw you under the bus for something they screwed up. So not happy at my third baseman right now. - What really irks me is people that love to throw folks under the bus...I mean come on let's try talking about someones accomplishments for a change. That's the problem today we as people are so quick to break someone down let's build them up - Wow threw me under the bus and it came out in my favor!! - So I had the best interview on Monday, felt good, just didn't know my references would throw me under the bus when the job called about me...grrrrrr - I just want to thank the wonderful girls who threw me under the bus today just to let ya know im still hearing sh*t talking thanks soooo much :) ......  - if anyone looks for me, check under the bus. I was thrown there this am. (kayekilla note – that update was by a soldier so he may not be being metaphorical)

Moist in a Glass Jar

I’m terribly backed up on documenting recent events so I will start with the more recent. First of all, my camera has started to really die – as opposed to just fritzing so it is now in digital camera Hospice. The last night I took pictures with it was at the craft gathering my pal and expert crafter Amie (instructional model featured above made by her) and I put together. And let me tell you it was pretty put together. Amie brought bags and bags and buckets of things to make terrariums with and I brought a purple folder of stuff I had printed out. Teamwork!

Some people and some teenagers with blackberrys showed up. It was totally fun because there was dirt involved. The containers I used were too small to contain my vision so the next day I was on a quest for larger terrarium -riendly containers. We went to a church rummage sale that we had to leave within a few minutes because the crowd was too intense for B. There were two older ladies pushing around a sleeping crusty-faced gent in a wheelchair and throwing items on top of him. Plus, it was a whatever-you-can-fit-in-a-bag-for-three-bucks type of sale so the mood was aggressive. I just shoved some polyester fabric in a bag along with a pin in the shape in the shape of Texas, paid the people in church aprons three dollars and left for an estate sale in Bartlett.

The estate sale was the home of a man who collected walking sticks and spoons and who was married to a creative woman who painted and sewed. Both obviously loved to travel.

I got a very strong psychic vibe not to buy anything or take any pictures of the artwork, but I found this one perfect lidded glass container shaped kind of like a giant apple.  Against my powerful psychic premonitions, I bought it for four dollars and wouldn’t you know it - thirty minutes later upon arriving home, “accidently” broke it while carrying it up the stairs. I am now probably cursed by the angry craft spirits. Dead peoples homes! 

It’s not always bad however, a few weekends ago, my pal Kimberly got hitched on the lawn of some fabulous dead people  – entry to follow about that later. It’s really more about rummaging through dead people’s belongings as they left them (who knows if these people were dead – they could have just bailed on their mortgage I guess) that gives me the jeeebies.

By the way – I am totally fine, if not obsessed, with cemeteries. So much like the people featured on hoarders, I believe in the imaginary emotions of objects.

Oh Ugh

When I am depressed I like to concentrate on and observe even more things that depress me. This week my melancholy has been compounded by: the site of silent couples hunched over hamburgers at the Belmont Grill, chubby ladies in scrubs ordering footlong sandwiches off a crumbly list (so so depressing, ordering subway for coworkers), the birdcrap stuck on my windshield, a billboard on Lamar for a reptile exhibit that took place some weekend back in May, thumb tacks, office family photos that feature children styled with hairspray, scuffed shoes and/or gummy worn insoles, and the several stacks of whatever that I can’t keep or throw away that I am staring at right now.

 

note: I know what you are thinking, “how can you be depressed when you have such a great postcard map collection?”  Let this be a lesson – it can happen to anyone.

Postcard Maps: Mississippi

Guess where I got this one?

I have a few other Mississippi Postcard Maps but I like this one for its simplified extra features: cotton, fish, magnolia, and the state flag.

Postcard Maps: The Bluegrass State

Bluegrass is one word. Frankfort is the state capitol. I found three postcard maps in one place at a gas station just outside Louisville.

The woman behind the counter told me that I could get one more because they were four for a dollar. I explained I only needed these three but the look on her face, in no uncertain way, told me that it is bad Kentucky manners to break up a postcard special so I promised to grab another one on the way out.  So I didn’t. I left an extra behind for another road dog.

Amazing and Yummy

Joey C really amazing amazing video.  Mariah S I had a great time at grad with my friends and the other class mates of franklin hills class of 2010 !! :) ♥ Great job everybody with thier accomplisments of thier school work and much more ... We rocked the stage , danced A LOT , and we had an amazing sleepover :) But .. after all that i am still REALLY tired :D Michael M God damn, you really can't beat an amazing day at the river with your friends. So much fun! Willem De V Wat 'n amazing vakansie in Thailand!!! Was ongelooflik! Vlieg oor so 2 ure trug SA toe vir die world cup. Darkdonna D Sooooo AMAZING! -check this out! www.myspace.com MySpace Music profile for Dead Ashling. Download Dead Ashling Post punk / Gothic / Industrial music singles, watch music videos, listen to free streaming mp3s, & read Dead Ashling's blog. Dead Ashling on MySpace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Downloads Jennifer K Cleaning out the pantry and kitchen cabinets today and my little helper is amazing! Cliff W I love the diversity of beliefs from my relatives. I have my aunt who practiced witchcraft just gave me a talisman to prevent the dark spirit/force comes into my room. Amazing. Lucas T Its amazing how u knock me off my feet everytime u come around me i get weak no one have make me feel this way....i wanna know. Michael K just voted for Carrie Vassey on greeridol.com everyone needs to go vote for her. she's amazing. Gabe S last night was amazing =] baby<3 Joseph G It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper. Rolf M A Special Tribute to the Amazing Stars We've Lost ! Charla L. M Just saw the most amazing Camaro in Turquois! I need a muscle car....also, GO TCU BEAT Florida State! Korii J goin to the movies todayy. (: had an amazing day yesterdayy. have a great in china LI!!! Christopher W Congratulations Katherine Walker for your amazing double All-American and National 5000m Title in Greensboro, NC! I'm so proud! Jenna M Florida is amazing:) first day of tournment. 15 elite<3 Joanne W Happy fathers day to all the awsome dads out there and my amazing daddy. Have a wonderful weekend Amanda C went to see toy story 3 last night and it was amazing :)) Javier E something amazing has happened..... I woke up at 11:30am today! This is ridiculous! For those of you who know my curse....i typically wake up at 7-8am EVERY SINGLE DAY. I must've really needed the rest. Now, I'm off to buy a Father's day gift and call my insurance company because some little asshole rock decided to fly into my windshield yesterday morning. grrr. Megan B Has the most amazing boyfriend:) love u lots my babe* Brian P toy story 3 was amazing.

(Facebook Updates in the last one minute featuring the word AMAZING)

Amy T just had muscles with white sauce and a taste platter of three desserts!!! Yummy scrummy!! Julie J M Enjoyed me some good food last night. Steak bites in broth with horseradish sauce, fried artichokes & mushrooms, potato skins and shrimp cocktail>:) Yummy food good! good company, not so much. Need a re do! Madison G Tacleaning and cooking today:) Fathers day tomorrow! Bake sale at Gateway!!! bring money help support the youth group so we can go to Aldersgate! Get some yummy cookies for your daddy! Nikkikohls T Fusion Ti ! Me nd Lucy Went !` Mango Smoothie Wiff Tapioca ! Yummy` ! Niki B UMMMMM... Bloody Mary. Yummy!!!! Cheryl G Taking Laurel to get her cartilage pierced with her friends dinner in Yellow Springs,yummy Wendi E Can't wait to put some yummy breakfast in my tummy. Let the party in my tummy begin! Joe H goin for free food in uxbridge , YUMMY! bring on the grub bub! ara B Just had some yummy cracker barrel. Mmmmmm! 37 days til my 21st birthday! Everyone get ready to paaaarrrrtttttyyyyyy!!!! Taniesha M busy day today. Made cinnamon roles and cream cheese frosting :) yummy Stacey L Making Daddy dinner tonight!!! going to be yummy! <3 Mohyt M Hmmm....yuMmy pizZA....!'m LuviNg iT....<3 <3 Tonya M Getting ready to go to BD'S with Robin...Yummy! Travis can't go he's got strep and sooooo depressed! Tonya L headin to the pool for the rest of the day!!! movies & sloppy joes for dinner....YUMMY!!!! Alex A ufhhhhh.. enak gilakkk.. brrrrr.. yummy.. :p Leeanne D Breakfast at the Rondette!!!! Yummy and really good for a hangover!!! Cathy S I was trying to tell Dedra how yummy the squash her mom grew was. I've never eaten patty pan squash before, I ate three bowls full. :—) Darren A oh could not wait 4 takeaway cause i made a bet every takeaway on every SATURDAY yummy Janice C Beautiful day here is Everson... headed downstairs to a yummy smelling breakfast (I think I could get used to be waited on) Abby A Morroccon tonight! Yummy!!!! Mary D Making Doma!!! yummy!!! Sarah A Out in the front yard picking black raspberries while my little man naps! :) Mmmmmm...YUMMY! Thembani B Mhhhhhhhhhhhh!Yummy

(Facebook Updates in the last one minute featuring the word YUMMY)

Placeholder Entry

Got home late last night after a 13 hour drive with all limbs and most of my sanity intact. Arrived at work this morning to the soothing sounds of a jackhammer outside my office window (so close it was plugged into one of my outlets – don’t think I didn’t raise Cain about that!). Its nice to be home even if it is 100 degrees, muggy, and jackhammer loud. I noticed this evening that the cicadas around here sound like a thousand last screams. I resolve to stay indoors while they do their thing. It’s terrifying.

After taking about 800 photos for my little brothers wedding I am backed up on my, well – everything. It took forever to sort and upload all those memories. All I can post now is a serene portrait of cooler calmer Michigan:

Back in a flash!

Did you know I have a tumblr? (That gets updated more often with on the go pics and such.)

Circle City For Real

So the other story about the interstate being a reason Indianapolis is called the Circle City was a lie.

It goes way back to the 1800s?

http://www.indyscribe.com/about/about_indianapolis.html

What can I tell you? My work is always half fiction.


S Kaye

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Lost Earring in Indianapolis

Made it to downtown Circle City before sundown. Although sundown comes much later here in the north and the air is thinner and cooler and there are more men in belted shorts. So what I'm saying is there will be no contest. (Apples and oranges) in comparing this trip to the last (as in last weekend). 

I lost an earring. It is a miniature teardrop brass locket and it is somewhere between the Marriott and Elmo's Steak House. There is a convention of Emergency Phone Response Professionals going on here. We watched the Lakers game on a tv that skipped up into fragmented pixel dancing whenever the ball got near the basket. It was hard on the nerves. And the loss? Hard on the heart.

Why do they call this place The Circle City you wonder? Because the interstate 465 forms a perfect circle around the city. Now I'm not going to be the wet blanket here but I think some other cities have a similar circumfrential (?) highway system, but if Indianapolis wants dibs on the nickname - good for them. There's something to be said for having the most circular road system.  I wonder what city wants to claim the badass nickname The Grid City?

Off to Michigan tomorrow. The Great Lakes State. Because it's surrounded by lakes. Great ones that could cover sixteen interstate circles (by my late night estimation). 



S Kaye

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Montgomery, AL

We are back! Just got home this evening. Too tired to update properly but this photo, from the (side) streets of downtown Montgomery, will suffice until then:

Route 61: The Blues Highway

Took a drive down to Mound Bayou with one of my favorite coworkers today. She doesn’t mind a bit if I make her stop to get photos of blues-worthy road kill or trees in water.

I think it because she likes hollerin “Giiirrrl you better look out for gators up in there!”

Giiiirrrrl the Midsouth is getting hot. It’s almost summer (according to the people who I complain about the heat, it ain’t even summer yet). I need a hand fan, a cooldanna, and a camelbak. We are leaving for Alabama tomorrow.

Potential Road

Roads to Tunica lined with blank billboards for a mile:

Gurley road in Marks, MS lined with old tractors (the sky is full of dustbunnies on my camera sensor):

Empty pumps at gas station in Marks, MS:

Dandy Heart

Did you hear the story on the radio about Emily Dickenson and her dandelion garden? They are growing weeds at the New York Botanical Garden in her honor. She said she herself felt like the wild flower and used to give people bouquets of flowers with her poetry tucked inside (sounds like all the emails I send). I’ve actually been using the mature dandelion in an informal de-puffing ritual to bring about all of my wishes and hopes for years now. It is my most sacred superstition.

I found this on my walk today – over half the wishes left on it:

A woman walking by asked “oooh does it have a ladybug on it?”  Please. Nobody is THAT lucky.

Wheels on Wheels

Don’t you want to live forever?

That’s what I ask my car every time before I turn the key. The ignition lock cylinder is kind of like a ready-to-retire lady of the evening – a little too loose for use. These things wear out after a lot of turns so each ignition could be the last (or the last until I come up with the lordalmighty knows how much cheddar to fix it). Great White, as she is known, is fifteen years old and needs inspirational talk every day – mostly with open-ended metaphysical questions. She likes to be driven around on Sunday mornings so she can listen to Car Talk (I told you she was old) and she loves Steve McQueen and H.B. Halicki.  She  hates any new VW Bug customized with flowers and is unimpressed with tailgaters and bikefreaks. What can I say?

I was behind this sculptural masterpiece on my drive home today:

One blue, one black, and a push broom.  Gorgeous.

Web (of) Abuse

Once I see something compelling, or once I have one of my compelling thoughts (that come to me so often if I updated this blog as they came I would blow up the internet), I have to fight off the urge to start a whole new website or blog – why can’t I just keep KayeKillA as a catch-all? This is why one of my goals is to tidy up what they call on Fast Company and Wired my web presence. But it isn’t a habit easily broken. Just today I had two truly great ideas for two different truly great websites.

The first one would be another submission based blog – it would be or WILL BE called “Bugbite or Blemish?” and it will be a comparison kind of blog like “Homeless or Hipster” but on a close-up level. People can send in photos of strange bumps on their skin and the audience will have to determine if the bump is an insect bite or just a blemish (aka: pimple – god dang it - I love the word pimple).  This would be stepping outside of my comfort zone because I usually leave gross humor to aspiring comedians and men (usually no diff). But it wouldn’t really be that funny if one of the featured bites was from a cottonmouth or black widow now would it?

The other blog/website would be creative nonfiction reporting of child abuse sightings. Stay with me here, I don’t mean the really really bad kind, I just mean the arm-pulling and back-of-the-head swatting that happens in retail areas. The kind that is uncomfortable enough to make you take note and scary enough to make you stay quiet. Quiet until you get home and take up the mightiest weapon of them all! The PEN! Or in this case – the keyboard:

She didn’t plan on squashing her child in front of me. Otherwise she wouldn’t have bothered putting a cute ball cap on little toddler Timmy and neglecting her own appearance before making her Target run. If you want to look like you know what you are doing when roughing up a kid in public, you should dress in bruncheon-to-business casual and NOT a tie-died t-shirt with terrycloth shorts. Wardrobe is at least 75% of parenting credibility - sense of humor, haircut, and body weight make up the other 45% and this lady was a failure to the nth. Had she hit Timmy on the side of the face while wearing slacks or jeans with pumps, I would have thought the little bugger deserved it. Instead, she made her first smack across the side of the poor kids face while her fupa, draped in purple, orange, and gold rubberbanded-Rit glory, was wrestling with a mass of plastic bags full of consumer goods in the back of an SUV. When she turned to make sure little TimTim was good and hit and damn scared, the look on her face broke all the security cameras and headlights in the parking lot. Car alarms went off, glass shattered and fell on red plastic shopping carts and made the sound of sixteen hobbits asking in a rhythmic whisper, “have you ever seen a face so ugly? have you ever seen someone so fat?”  And I wondered what the three year old did to get cold-clocked by his jumbo momma and I saw him crying and noticed his orange drool and then the answer came to me: Timmy ate a piece of candy. And from the looks of his mother, she is supposed to get ALL the candy.

After she emptied the shopping cart she focused her attention on emptying the face of her criminal son. My view was partially eclipsed by an ass large and true as the bumper of a Suburban, but I still saw little Timmy’s face transform from innocent tot to Lemonhead posterboy under the unbridled wrath of her ferocious face-pinch. She could have squeezed China up from the Memphis earth with the way her thumb raked into his cheek I tell ya and it still wasn’t enough, she had still not produced any proof. So she used the sausagey pointer finger on her other hand to scoop out a small, wet orange ball of candy. She scooped  and flung it out across the parking lot in one pissed-off-to-holyhell swipe, leaving Timmy with a tear-wet, abuse-red perplexed face watching the coral cannonball sail across twenty car lengths, though a cracked window in a honda four-door, and into the lap of a belted-in tyke named Teddy.  Who grabbed the treat, showed it to his mom in the front seat and popped it in his mouth.

They drove off but no one could hear because Timmy was crying and his mom was overdoing her point by screaming about how she already told him something about not doing something and no one stopped to tell her if she was so good telling him stuff then maybe he wouldn’t have to get pinched in the cheeks like that. I certainly didn’t. I thought for a minute to use some Flip video HD space to catch the live drama but thought better of it because I kind of think I have TMJ and can’t have people pinching at my face in the cheek/jaw area – why risk it. So I just sent a telepathic sympathy message to the kid: “Sorry lil Timmy, thems the breaks. Shouldn’t have been born to a bad mommy. What were you thinking?”

Ummmm-hmmmming for Arkansas

I took a bus full of delta elders on up to Little Rock for a day full of tourist fun on Friday.  Our tour guide met us at our first museum stop sweating in a wrinkly golf shirt and texting on his cell phone. His professional guided tour was focused mainly on the following historical topics; the double-decker McDonalds where Clinton used to run to get his Egg McMuffin, how well he (the tour guide) takes care of his three babies, and the problem with all the deadbeat baby daddies today. It was a very authentic Arkansas tour. My crew was clapping and ummm-hmmming for him. I think they would have been happy having lunch back in West Helena at the Burger Shack but it’s good that we spread some sunshine around the state capitol and, besides, now I can confirm that Bill Clinton is in the Arkansas Black Hall of fame:

Sameness

Vastly different lives, marketably similar biography book covers.

High drama notes (including Gossip Girl spoiler) from the past few days:

Weekend: Too much brunch and beer. Zero unpacking. One load of laundry.

Shell Show: Big Star plus guests like Brendon Benson and lots of rain.

Netflix: Rather liked "Tetro" and the DVD extras about the real life radio show put on by the crazies in Buenos Aires. 

Gossip Girl: Chuck Bass is bleeding!

Literature: Reading a little book called The Great Gatsby - interrupted constantly by B showing me some Andy Kauffman video on youtube - so I have decided to finish the second half by reading this classic out loud because I was inspired and because it is harder to interrupt an out-loud reader.

Lunch Today: Spent an hour on the phone with the appetite-inducing IRS (multi-task alert: ate PB&J and made bed while talking to agent - didn't have chance to read any Gatsby to her but tried to slip in a few references to the roaring twenties and called her Daisy - hey - confusion to the enemy.) 

S Kaye


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Check Please: Lunching Ladies

I was at one of my working-people-strip-mall lunch joints sitting by myself in a booth when two ladies (ladies meaning middle-aged gals pushing all the buttons in Ann Taylor Loft cardigans) sat in the booth next to mine and exchanged fun gift bags for whatever occasion they were celebrating (the new SATC movie? I do not know). Then they prayed. Prayed and gave sincere thanks for the blessed seven dollar lunch and their blessed lives and their divine luckiness and the sacred spirit that consecrated their gift bags and the holiness that they share in their friendship and their blessed certainty of not burning in hell.

Then, naturally, the discussion shifted to Facebook and texting. I’m testifying here that the conversation went from prayer to gossip in half a bite of a burritto.  I would write exactly what they said for the sake of entertainment but I didn’t catch it all - I’m pretty sure it was just,  “Facebooked…facebook..texted me… texted her…then facebooked….then texted. ..toxic people…oprah…facebook.” 

The day before and nearly a hundred miles south on the riv over in Arkansas I was at the Burger Shack because they claim to have the best coke* in town when a gal (meaning skinny old woman in jeans with smoking wrinkles) came in and asked for a bag of ice. The worker grabbed a plastic bag and took the big metal scoop from the ice machine and started filling it up while the gal took out her checkbook and scribbled out a check for a dollar twenty-nine. The whole thing went down like they had done this before many times. Like there was a cash register slot for small checks.

Such are the midday habits of gals and ladies.

*Note: It was a delicious Coke but I think that the check writing gal is on to something and the secret is in the ice.