9.15.2011

Dear Everyone in Line For Whatever

Dear Mary — Please make sure all the errands are done before you go on vacation, as I do not want to be bothered with insignificant things. Thank you. J.D. Salinger

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Compare the two interpretations of the “casual short” above. One is clearly superior, I’ll let you decide which one.

A couple things: 1) Not since the Umbro craze of the early nineties has an athletic short infected the public domain as much as these disgusting bright-color-on-the-side-swoop things. 2) When you wear athletic clothing in public to do anything other than athletic things you are saying to the world “world – you are my dirty wrestling mat” and you are asking for a fight. 3) Unless you live in Hawaii,  just got a pedicure, or are drying off from an intense Mississippi River surfing session, you should refrain from wearing flip-flops or someone could think that you just escaped from a hospital, ESPECIALLY if you are standing in line at a cheap mall clothing store huffing and puffing through your beaky bird nose letting everyone around you know that you have been waiting forever!!!!! Especially if you have the nerve to complain to the manager that you have been waiting forever and can’t they open another register because you only have one item. And people will know for sure that you are completely crazy when you do finally get up to the register and you pay for your one item with a check. A check. 4) If you are under 70 years old and are paying with a check, then maybe you should keep wearing those shitty shorts so we can all keep assuming what is true – you are a thoughtless twerp.

And those, Mr. JD Salinger, are the type of people you would have been bothered with had you ever stepped outside.

(I was looking for a way to tie in my favorite news item of the day with my favorite picture of last week)

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