Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

Two Scoops Rice, One Scoop Macaroni

I’m back. From Maui. The day after getting back from a trip that is better than your real life is kind of like sitting suicide watch for yourself. I also suspect that I may have started a deadly diuretic habit and I might be experiencing withdrawals. Whatever the case, it is raining in LA and I am only thinking about the would haves, should haves, and could haves of my trip.

First of all I should not have left Maui. I should have stayed until my feet matched my brown flip flops and I came up with my own pineapple bread recipe. I’m kidding, really island life will turn you into a dreaded (as in hairstyle) freak. I saw the mature crowd outside of an art opening in a resort town right across the street from “Cheeseburger in Paradise” and thought that I was in Sausalito.

What I really really regret is not bringing the sturdy one-size-too-big Timberland aquasocks that I purchased in Moab, Utah this summer. If there is one item that you seriously need in Hawaii, it is aquasocks. I don’t know how many times I would turn to my travel partners and say, “Now THIS is what aqua socks are for.” And they would just say, “I KNOW, I know.”

We also should have told more people that we were from LA right away. That way we would avoid any unnecessary pandering by the tourism professionals. From one Pacific side city to another – we can get strange fruit anywhere. There was a particularly tense moment when a crazed hippy at a roadside fruit stand tried to get Natalie to crack open a macadamia nut with a giant rock.

I should have bought a Ludacris CD with me to play in the rental car. There isn’t good radio reception on the Hana highway.

I should have discussed the travelogy program with all of my fellow travelers. Some people may not be hip to the program. For instance, each trip has to have a theme. We eventually decided on “Never Enough” – this worked very well once we got going.

I also should have and could have helped out these two Australian RadDads that got cut off on the plane back to LA. I should have let them know that they can't hold their liquor very well and that they were prohibiting my enjoyment of the in-flight movie, “The Queen.” They started off trying to get their kids to play Ro-Sham-Bo for the window seat, their little girl lost and started crying. What a sore loser. The RadDads, dressed in True Religion jeans, screen print tees, and leather bowler – camper – like shoes ordered a vodka cranberry each as soon as the drink cart came around. I only know this because they were seated two seats behind me and I always perk up when men order vodka cranberries. They must have had a few more because in the middle of the movie I could hear them, through my noise-cancelling headphones mind you, heckling the screen – screaming stuff about the queen and Tony Blair. It was awful. One of the RadDads got up to get another round from a flight attendant and she told him he had enough and then said something about how his kids were with him. He went back to his seat to tell RD#2 and they caused such a commotion that three flight attendants had to come over. I thought for sure we would have to land the plane on a secret island and the TSA would escort them off and they would have to Ro-Sham-Bo for the top bunk in a federal prison. But nothing really happened other than a renewal of my faith in the public behavior of grown people.

Bob Maui

Originally uploaded by kayekilla.


The Rules of Sports Fandom

If you are watching a game that is not your usual sport you can still really enjoy yourself. Just apply your enthusiasm for competition and follow these rules:

1) Pick a side and stick with it like your life depends on it. Nothing is fun unless you are genuinely invested. Fake it till you make it.
2) Chose a theme for the game like “get it done” and “take it home” and “serve-in it” that you can refer to whenever your team scores.
3) Follow the ‘points on the board’ strategy. Points win games. You don’t need to know the intricacies of every sport. Most games are won by the team with the most points. Fellow sportsfans will be impressed if you clap and say “lets put some points on the board.” This is unfailable logic.
4) No matter what, watch the entire game out of respect for the game. And by the game I mean The Game.



Dear You Know Who,

I have to tell you that on the last day that I saw you. One day after officially breaking up, we were in your apartment and you weren't talking to me because well, why would you since I had already informed you that you were saying everything wrong. Anyway, I was in your room, packing up my American Tourister carry-on approved weekender when I saw that Richard Ford short story book that you were going to lend me. I picked it up and packed it right in the outside zip compartment next to a dirty long sleeved t-shirt. I packed it knowing full well that upon our break-up the conditions of the book loan had changed. I knew I was stealing from you and I was pretty certain that it would make me feel better that someday you would need to reference Richard Ford's short fiction and it wouldn't be there.

It may not happen for a while but it will happen. And I think after this confession I will finally feel better about it. You should also know that I haven't read word one of the book. Yet.



Tiger's Milk

Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

I don’t know if it’s because I have been actively trash talking the entertainment qualities of “An Inconvenient Truth” or because of the terrifying surge in death-by-weather news stories but lately I have been nervous about getting stranded in bad weather. So on my last road trip, in addition to Combos, I purchased a Tigers Milk bar. I am pretty sure that these are included in C-Rations and anything that keeps soldiers alive and alert is something I want to have on my dashboard. Because it includes the actual milk of a tiger, the bar retains its nutritional and life-sustaining qualities regardless of the number of times it is melted and reformed.

The bar is on my dashboard just in case something happens to the back of my vehicle like a giant falling rock or intentional rear-ending by a high desert serial killer. In the back of my ride I have a first aid kit with aspirin, band aids, and ointment. Ointment that will prevent infection on any scrape I get while clawing my way out of an avalanche. The kit (available on drugstore.com) also includes a silver blanket. But I am totally sure that I wouldn’t be able to sleep with that thing because I need the weighty assurance of a down comforter.

I thought that most of my friends would find this information useful in case I go missing. You all should hope that there isn’t more than two or more of you with me when or if that happens because the tigers milk bar is not indicated for splitting into anything more than thirds. Anyway, I have a survival plan that gives me at least two or three days lead time advantage. This should prevent any disturbances in weekend plans in the event that I go missing on a Friday.



Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

On the drive to Long Beach I listened to the day-after reactions about Bush's awesome war plan to send even more troops to Iraq. Excellent strategy. When I am really full I think "maybe I should just shove more food, maybe more cream cheese or lamb chops down the old gullet, that will fix it."

While I was waiting for my meeting at the VA I saw that only one person had signed in for the day.

And I don't think they mean reatarded stupid fresh.


Better you than me.

Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

What are the ethics of semi-designated driving? This is when you go to the bar with the intention of taking it easy but then decide later that you would rather not take the risk of getting a DUI so you make your friends boyfriend drive.

I have long held the belief that men can drive drunk better than women. I believed this in High School and because it is convenient for me, I believe it now.


Burnt Retina

Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

The other day, back in '06 if you will, we drove out to the Salton Sea. It was incredible. Incredibly abandoned and reflective.

The only other people out there were some horseshoe playing rad dads and a few youth skateboarding enthusiasts from Burbank (go figure) and then there was the layzee park ranger that closed up the visitor center at 3:57. After I saw the park ranger guy walk to his pick up truck I understood that he was on an add-five life timeline. He either had rheumatoid arthritis or just too many twinkies to eat, either way the man was not keeping the visitor center open until 4 let alone rush to his car after a long day of park visitor centering.

N asked anyone that crossed her path about swimming in the Sea.
She got all kinds of answers from "its FINE" to "don’t even think about it, they've been dumping nuclear runoff there for years."

The woman (maybe a park assistant?) lowering the State of California Flag told her to come back in June, the water would be 80 degrees (forget the regular temp of the air would be 120) but I think N was really interested in just taking a dip in someplace where she could just float. I can see the appeal but I am afraid of pelicans, they are some of the most vicious and diseased waterfowl.

On the topic of vicious and diseased it does seem that the new year has brought about a hot mess of gentleman troubles with my g-pals and myself. Besides my own typical and infuriating issues, several relationships that I had believed to be rock solid or at least based on the trustworthy and unwavering love of rock music, have broken up. I just heard my darling favorite coworker in tears because some johnny-come-lately (who she assisted in his move out to LA) has decided he was done with her. Since I was born a century too late its so hard to think about how to handle things like this without the assistance of laudanum and a prospectors axe. Its really sad that the days of forcing someone to like you with the threat of physical violence are mostly gone. And its so sad that you can no longer live in a mutually supportive, yet sexless, marriage with a wealthy and fashionable gay man. Its time for us to wake up and make the babyboomers pay for what they have done to society.