The Yawning Palmist

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Originally uploaded by kayekilla.

I’m writing this from the public library where the only study booth left is one where someone must have slapped down some pieces of greasy pizza, pressed it into the table and sprinkled those redhot pepper things all over the place. I wish I wasn’t wearing flip flops.

N and I took a day trip to Pismo Beach. She promised that it would be fancy and gritty. The central coast of Cali is very beautiful but the pristine terracottaroofed Walgreens of Santa Barbara make you feel like you should be dropping off dry cleaning or ordering starbucks. You need coastal isolation and grit, true grit.

While we were waiting for a table at some place where N would eventually order, dismantle, and ingest a giant crab, I decided to venture over to the Palmist across the street. This psychic establishment had the best sign I have ever seen so I expected the interior to be ultramagical.

The door was locked but a tired housewifey looking lady with bleached out orange hair and a long chino skirt let us in. Before we even said anything she asked how old we were. I don’t think it was to establish that we were old enough to retain psychic services. She was already trying to gather info for her reading.

The place had blue carpet and a giant white ceramic LAMB in the middle of the room. There were two corner rooms with blue curtains and crystal balls for readings. No incense, no bojangles or beads. I was disappointed but I had already gotten in the door. I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

N was against spending money on such things but I asked for a palm reading. The woman led me into one of the tiny rooms, sat down and crossed her arms in front of her chest, yawned and told me to hold out my hands. I did and expected her to grab it, hold it, summon a spirit animal or something. But she just stared at my hands and said, “I can tell you aren’t married. But you have been hurt in the past.” At this point I thought that she might actually be the cleaning lady covering for the real psychic, the one that paid for the awesome palm reading sign since I think most people participating in western civilization could have told me the same thing since I wasn’t wearing any rings.

She started to tell me about how I was going to go into management and I started to feel awful. Then she said I would get married after meeting my soul mate, probably named STEVE, within fifteen months. After which she yawned again. Then she said I would have two daughters. All of this sounds like my worst flipping nightmare. Then she said that I have been overworked and very stressed out from working so hard. And that’s when I swear I heard N laugh outloud from the psychic waiting room.

I had been had. I mean its hard to believe that a psychic would rip you off, I know. But if you go to Pismo, just try to stick with the seafood and mineral hot springs. Thanks.