It Starts Early and Affects Us Forevah

They got rid of the last of the men on Friday. On Monday I will return to an all female office. I am thinking about bringing in some donuts. I can hear the I shouldn’ts and the I’m on the south beach’s now…

It is not good to generalize, but sometimes it is helpful.  I am debating on going on the business talk circuit to tell the world to fire any and all female executives. I saw that there is a big motivational conference coming to town and I’m thinking of hopping on the wagon. Like joining the circus. You won’t hear from me again unless you buy a ticket.

I will be the last person to come on stage because my message will be so powerful and controversial. The first thing I will say is “Have you done a thorough psychological analysis on the people managing your people?”  the crowd will go silent. I will ask “A REAL background check? Do you know if she has unresolved daddy issues? Was she teased in high school?” Everyone will shift in their seats. “When you hired that regional director, did you call her old employees to see if she was an a**hole?”  And when they all hang their heads I will scream “PEOPLE THIS ISN’T ABOT MOTIVATION – THIS IS ABOUT PREPARATION!” and I will have a huge power point slide projected behind me that says “Success is 2% Motivation and 98% Preparation” and Curtis Mayfield will come out at this point.

“You are wasting your money at these things as long as you aren’t taking care of the real problem. You can’t expect people to be motivated when they have an unproductive fire-breathing b*tch busy with personal vendettas up in their business!”  Cue the horns.

Then we will have a little horn and funk dance participation thing (because people remember things better when they get physical).

Then the horns will break down and I will tell everyone if they only remember one other thing, to remember my drama rule:

When a person declares they “don’t want any drama” it is clearly a no-mean-yes kind of situation.  This is always true. Without exception. The music will repeat this: always true, without exception…no-mean-yes-sit-ua-tioooon… “And it is always true” I will say. “It may only indicate that the person may genuinely not know that they are the cause of everyone’s grief…but we know they are addicted to drama…”  At this point some people will be getting some sideways glances and I will know my job is done. I will say “Curtis!! Take em’ out” and he will play an instrumental medley of Pusherman and People get Ready.

Backstage on the circuit Rudy Giuliani and Lou Holtz will be discussing how to get rid of Laura Bush and make room for me, because we all know there’s only room for one women in charge! Act accordingly!!

PS – I am a good third-wave feminist but it is a known fact that none of that applies when you are slugging along in the bowels of capitalism with women suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.