Two Major Things and One Minor

ONE: Toilet Grabbers

Maybe I am the only person on earth who is repulsed and confused when I see barfing scenes on television and in movies. The actors are always (ALWAYS) holding the toilet seat and the sides of the toilet and resting their head near the toilet. I don’t do this when I am puking, do you? Do you really wrap your arms around the side of a toilet and rest your chin on the seat? Rub your cheeks all over the rim? 

Not only does it pull me out of the story (I’m thinking: That is obviously a prop toilet, Leonardo would never risk an ecoli infection…) it is just plain foul! I would rather watch a sixteen hour loop of all the nail clipper and cuticle mutilation scenes from Black Swan.

This would make for a great film studies analysis: The barfing scenes that take place after someone sees a dead body or has just killed a person – those characters never wait for a toilet, they just puke on the sidewalk or out the car window.

TWO: Sweepers

I’m not talking about sweepstakes addicts, I am fine with that, I support a variety of low-risk gambling activities. I am talking about when I’m eating at a dining establishment and the waitress or whoever stars vacuuming or sweeping the floor right next to me. Sometimes they even ask me to pick my feet up so they can get underneath my table. Tells you what kind of places I frequent, it’s not like they have Dyson’s or anything fancy like that. Nope, they have the same zipper-back dusty bag number my mom had in 1977.

I know there are duties to be done but I’d rather sit on top of a mound of fallen food than have someone run a vacuum cleaner near me. Why isn’t this a problem for anyone else? Waitstaff are required to wear suntan hosiery and discouraged from wearing nail polish but it is fine to create an in-house dust devil next to paying customers. Bogus.

MINOR ISSUE/SERIOUS REQUEST:

Please retire the term: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.