Eat My Sneeze (an old fashioned rant entry)*

I loo-oove getting on the ol horn with Tdawg, my BFF who is seven months preggers and who loves chocolate covered pretzels. Tonight I was going off about my other friend that got pissed off at me for being sick and not going to a club meeting, “you have been sick for MONTHS, you are sick ALL THE TIME.” This friend tells me and then adds, “I’m just worried about you.”

T tells me that she got some similar same crap when she was trying to enjoy some nice albacore tuna for lunch today. Apparently people love to tell pregnant people what to eat just in case the woman hasn’t researched how NOT to have a mongoloid child. So one of her coworkers lays into her about tuna and fish and babies dying in the womb and baby brains splitting in half and webbed feet. She, the perp, of course ends with, “I’m just concerned.”

The kicker in these tales is the bullsh*t qualifier. Reminds me of people that just want to be honest. Well I’m just concerned about your assy manners people.

Since I’m no stranger to being sick I’m intimately familiar with the hatred, jealousy, and frustration people feel towards sick people. I often wonder why we don’t say such things to sick children as "Jesus you are sick all the time little man, what's with this? Just trying to get out of play time are ya?"  Children get colds and flu way more often than adults. At what age do we start to blame the person? 16? I would guess the blame should start at whatever age people can shop for herbal supplements.

The anti-sick thing, this seeing sickness as a weakness (when really deep down you all see it as a reminder of how helpless you really are)is all part of the great unhinging of civilization. The growing popularity of antibacterial mania and germaphobia represents a deep distrust in the soul and a fear of nature. I want no part of it.

Another response I get from time to time when I have a cold is, “I NEVER get sick.” To which I always respond, “really, that is so interesting. I’d love to hear all about it. Can you tell me more about how you earned your superhuman immune system through living righteously?” My friend Drew never gets cavities. Same with Trimblers husband. They are highly evolved. I’m not. Don’t worry I’ll die soon enough and then everyone who doesn’t EVER get sick (due, I suspect, to a life of mind-numbing sameness and a daily routine that has created an impenetrable fortress of virus-proof boredom blubber) can just f**k each other until the world is full of diseaseless DNA and masters of small talk. Ok, sound great?

If you encounter someone that has a headcold say nothing at all or just, “I hope you feel better soon.” Common manners.

Clear Eyes. Full Heart. Can’t Lose.

I's like to thank Bethany who, upon witnessing several strokestyle head attacks simply said, "so sorry dude, it is the price you pay for a brain like that." Or maybe you were just telling me that you never get headaches and I should go on a master cleanse ... I can't remember.

* this post available on audio cassette.